


You Are

by ilovehowyouletmefall



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 08:46:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5660221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovehowyouletmefall/pseuds/ilovehowyouletmefall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A missing scene from Innocence</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Are

_You thought what?! You thought you are Jenny Calendar now?! You are still Janna, of the Kalderash people! A Gypsy._

* * *

_I'm not sure what we should do about Buffy._

_Assuming they don't attack tonight I think we should just let_ _her be._

_I agree._

_I can imagine what she's going through._ _  
_

_No, I don't think you can._

 

After Buffy left there was a dense stillness in the library. For Jenny it was cut through by a buzzing anxiety. Every embryonic omission in the life she had constructed for herself had been birthed into a fully-grown lie, ugly beasts that were clamouring to tear the whole thing apart.

Willow’s perceptiveness set her on edge.

“Don’t you have to talk to Oz?” Jenny reminded her.

Willow blinked, shaking herself from her thoughts. “Yeah, I do.”

Without another word, the girl rose from her seat and walked out of the library.

“Stay safe,” Giles said, as the library door swung closed behind her.

Jenny turned to Rupert. His brow was furrowed as he sifted through the books and manuscripts arrayed across the table; but behind his glasses his eyes were tired and unfocused.

“Let’s get out of here,” she said. She crossed her arms, gripping them as if she could hold _Jenny Calendar_ together through physical exertion.

“I must be missing something,” Giles muttered.

“You can research at home,” Jenny said, and was surprised at how sharp her tone was.

He glanced up.

“I’ll help,” she added gently.

Giles didn’t quite smile, but there was a warmth in his eyes when he looked at her. It calmed her; until she wondered if he would still look at her that way if he knew the truth about her.

He walked round the study table and stood in front of her, raising a hand to caress her face.

They were were standing in the same spot where, about a month ago, they’d kissed for the first time after the ordeal of Eyghon. Right away, that kiss had felt different. It had to be, because _they_ were different. Rupert wasn’t who Jenny had thought he was - but at the same time, he was exactly the _kind_ of man she’d thought he was.

She wanted to say something, to tell him that she wasn’t _Jenny Calendar_ , but that she’d never pretended with him, never been anyone other than who she was.

He kissed her softly.

To Jenny, it felt like a lifetime had passed since they’d last kissed in that spot.

* * *

 

Giles wanted to throw himself headlong into his research, to find a solution to The Judge, to Angel, to everything, to _something_.

He offered to take a few of his books to Jenny’s apartment and work there, so she could research online. But she seemed certain that her resources were exhausted. So they went to his place.

When he stepped through the door, into a space that was his - that he was hoping would become his and Jenny’s - he felt some measure of urgency lift off his shoulders.

Jenny sat on the couch and opened one of his books. He could see the tension in her posture, and distracted glaze in her her eyes. He suddenly wanted to carry her upstairs and make love to her like it was their last night alive. He wasn’t sure what she wanted.

He felt terrible for Buffy.

* * *

Giles made some tea. Every time Jenny took a sip she lost her place in the book she was reading. She thought about what life was like only a month ago. Things hadn’t been any more simple then, but she was able to pretend that they were. She ached to go back to that time.

“This is useless,” Giles said from his place at his desk. He didn’t sound frustrated, just tired.

Like earlier in the library, his fatalism stuck in Jenny’s stomach like a knife. There had to be a way to make things right. She stared at him with concern.

“I’m still worried about Buffy,” he said.

“Of course,” she said gently.

“If we only knew what happend…”

Jenny said nothing.

Giles stood and went to his bookshelf, scanning the titles.

“I think… yes.”

“What is it?”

“I have a few volumes here on notable vampires of the past few centuries.”

He handed one to her.

Jenny took it. “What am I looking for?”

“Any mention of Angel.” Giles pulled another book off the shelf and began flipping through it. “Especially the curse, the Gypsies who cursed him.”

“Romani.”

He glanced up from the pages. “Pardon?”

Jenny hesitated, then said, blankly and evenly, “Gypsy is a slur. Romani.”

Giles blinked. “Oh. Alright, then.”

“Just so you know.”

Jenny turned her gaze to her book, without taking in what was written on the page.

Enyos had used that word deliberately when he saw her, to remind her of how the world saw her. A gypsy - a kidnapper, thief, fraud, outsider. Maybe to Americans she was a joke, a cartoon, a fortune teller with gold earrings and a bandana. Jenny had seen the eyes of American boys change when she told them who she was. _Ooh, sexy,_ they’d say, looking at her the same way she thought Angel must have looked at his last victim, a hundred years ago. Like she was an exotic food to sample.

But Rupert was from the old world. She wondered if he really didn’t know what that word meant, if in all his readings he’d never realized. Or if he simply had never bothered to think about it.

* * *

“I can’t do this,” Jenny said.

Giles knew that they were chasing their tails, but they hadn’t been reading for very long. He might not be able to find a way to defeat the Judge, but when it came to Angel there was a chance that he could be of some use.

Jenny pressed a hand to her forehead and closed her eyes. The light from his desk lamp cast a soft glow on her hair, but did nothing to lessen the tautness in her face. Giles felt that whatever sense of helplessness he could alleviate by continuing on wasn’t worth it.

“Perhaps it’s best to call it a night,” he said.

Jenny didn’t reply.

He sat next to her. _I didn’t mean for you to get involved_ , he thought of saying, as he did once, as he’d thought of repeating a thousand times. He knew he was selfish for not letting her go.

“Sometimes I wonder why you’re here,” he said.

Jenny opened her eyes, her brow creased with worry.

“Why you stay,” he continued.

Her look softened. “I chose to be with you,” she said. “Don’t question that.”

Giles trailed his fingers down her neck, her shoulders. He felt like warning her that this wouldn’t be the last challenge they faced, but she knew that very well by now.

* * *

Jenny wished that things were different, that they could go back in time, that Enyos had warned her about what would happen, that she had been honest from the beginning. She wished that she could see some way forward that didn’t involve her losing some part of herself.

Rupert touched her gently, and she had to keep everything she was thinking inside. He looked at her with tenderness and care.

Jenny stood, and went up to the loft. It was dim up there, and quiet. She sat on the edge of the be and closed her eyes, and tried to breathe with the weight of her secrets on her chest,

She heard footsteps on the stairs.

“Jenny?”

“How many nights have you had like this? Not sure if you’ll make it to the next one?”

“I haven’t kept count.”

He sat next to her.

“It’s not the uncertainty that makes it difficult,” he continued, “it’s the responsibility.”

“I’m starting to get that,” she said.

Jenny kept her eyes closed, but she could feel his warmth next to her, his hand reaching out to touch her, and then pulling back.

Rupert spoke in a hushed voice, just above a whisper. “What helps is knowing how I feel about you.”

She put everything she couldn’t say into how she kissed him. He breathed “Jenny” against her lips, and she wondered if he’d whisper “Janna” as fervently. And then she didn’t care. She decided that for that night, things were simple. Jenny Calendar was in love.


End file.
